I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
