Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
how drunk are you?
Several
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
