True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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