I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
