ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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