yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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