it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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