He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize