I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
