Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
