So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
