So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
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