the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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