theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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