I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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