So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
