Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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