We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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