Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize