i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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