Your mouth is God's brothel.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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