He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
