He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
