im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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