Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
