he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
