my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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