A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
