i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
