There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
