Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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