I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
