I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
