Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
