Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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