she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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