So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
