Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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