i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize