I need help removing her.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
