I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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