How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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