I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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