I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
