Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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