Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
