walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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