Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
