dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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