Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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