All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
