We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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