my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
