Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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