im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
