I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
