One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
