I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
