I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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