Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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