We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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