4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
