Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
