I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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