So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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