btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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